Writing Prompt 4: Deus Ex Machina

The next prompt from the list is:

Angelic warriors wielding flaming swords are sent from the heavens to defend a fantasy kingdom from an invasion by aliens equipped with plasma cannons and cloaking devices.

I thought to shake things up a bit (and to save myself some time), I’d do a flash fiction of this. Not only that, but I’m going to *gasp* edit it! Here’s the plan. I’m aiming for, let’s say 150 words. I’m going to write it. Then I’m going to look over it and edit it (for word count and readability) with strikethroughs removing and italics adding. Then I’m going to rewrite it in the correctly edited format at the bottom. Here goes nothing!

Arnolf watched as the green lights lit the sky and the craft descended. There was nothing he could do to save his people but pray. He fell at the feet of the statue of Freiof, tears falling as he pled. And waited for destruction.

Instead, he felt his chest lighten. Fear fled. Impossible! How? Arnolf looked out the window.

The clouds illuminated again but this time, the light was pure gold. From their misty depths plunged shapes, tiny but brilliant. They landed upon the alien’s vessels and they exploded, or were hurled back, or disappeared.

One grew larger- no, closer- and alighted on the window ledge. A woman of gold with wings and sword of fire smiled at him. “Freiof will not leave you defenseless.” She blew him a kiss and left- leaving peace in her wake.

Okay, how many words was that? -checks- 137! I was under the mark! Okay, but I want to edit it… shall I say I’m going for 100 words? Let’s try it.

Aside from just cutting fluff words, I want to edit the emotion a bit. I couldn’t think of something significant for the angel to do so I threw in something that I didn’t think was right because I knew I’d be editing. I want to amp the fear and relief if I can.

Arnolf watched as the green lights lit the sky and of the strange craft descended, destructive beams already blazing. There was nothing he could do nothing to save his people but pray. He fell at the feet of the statue of Freiof‘s statue, tears falling welling as he pled. And waited for destruction.

Instead, he felt his chest lightened. Fear fled. Impossible! How? Arnolf looked out felt turned to the window.

The clouds illuminated, again but this time, the light was in pure soft gold. From their misty depths plunged shapes Out dove tiny but brilliant figures. They landed upon theWhere they touched the alien’s vessels, and they exploded, or were hurled away back, or disappeared.

One grew larger- no, closer- and alighted on the window ledge. A woman of gold with wings and sword of fire smiled at saluted him. “Freiof will not leave you defenseless.” She blew him a kiss and left ascended, leaving peace in her wake.

I’ve done some editing but I’m still at 118 words. Let’s try cutting a bit more.

Arnolf watched as the green lights of the strange craft descended, destructive beams already blazing. He could do nothing to save his people but pray. He fell at the feet of prostrated towards Freiof’s statue, tears welling as he pled. A ,and waited for destruction.

Instead, his chest lightened. Fear fled. Impossible! How? Arnolf felt turned to the window.

The clouds illuminated, this time in soft gold. Out dove tiny but brilliant figures. Where they touched the alien’s vessels, they exploded, hurled away, or disappeared.

One figuregrew larger- no, closer- and alighted on the window ledge before him. A golden woman of gold with wings and sword of fire saluted him. “Freiof will not leave you defenseless.” She ascended, leaving peace in her wake.

Here we go then! 100 words perfectly!

Arnolf watched as the green lights of the strange craft descended, destructive beams blazing. He could do nothing to save his people but pray. He prostrated towards Freiof’s statue, tears welling, and waited for destruction.

Instead, his chest lightened. Fear fled. How? Arnolf felt turned to the window.

The clouds illuminated in soft gold. Out dove tiny but brilliant figures. Where they touched the alien’s vessels, they exploded, hurled away, or disappeared.

One figure alighted before him. A golden woman with wings and sword of fire saluted. “Freiof will not leave you defenseless.” She ascended, leaving peace in her wake.

To edit down without completely overhauling, I had to-

• Find words that condense a phrase. “Prostrated” instead of “fell to the ground.”
• Eliminate repetition. Don’t need to say “him” when I said it the last sentence.
• Take out needless clarification. I didn’t mention the clouds in the first paragraph even if they or the sky were implied, so no need to say “this time.”
• Reorder words. “Woman of gold” says the same as “golden woman” even if one feels more formal.

I hope this was an interesting experiment!

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